On this morning of July 24, 2009, my head is racing with the changes that are going on in my life of only 22 years. I feel there are opportunities at my door step and all I have to do is pick them up and go with them. They promise a prosperous future. Not to mention that alot of people have faith in me. These opportunities though are basic ones, such as having my schooling completely paid for, living is a sweet location in San Francisco for a really cheap price, or having a nice car given to me so that i am able to get tasks done in my life with ease. Then there are opportunities walking up to my door step that ask for a leap of faith. Faith that I give whole heartedly and with pride. Of course, I am talking about Heretic, the one place I feel that dreams can come true. That sounded kinda lame, but is true. I have always been looked at by Heretic as much older than i am, but in the past this view has been mainly for acting. I know I am ready to take on more, but I have to let go of thought processes that don't allow me to be the person or partner I wish to be. I realized this last night during Heretics weekly meeting and it was comfirmed for me this morning when trying to help out in taking care of my niece. I was trying to get her to take a nap and she wasn't having it. I was willing to keep trying, but when Kyra (the regular babysitter) arrived I immidiately let my doubt kick in and I gave up and let Kyra get here to nap. Kyra, as well, had a problem getting her to sleep though. You see I want to help out with my niece more and gain a better relationship withe her, but I have to spend time with her, be patient, and NOT have doubt in my ability to take care of her. But my random appearences have conveyed a different message. Thats how I feel about the way I convey myself to the rest of the world, I let doubt in my opinion, my capability, and my joy in life and what i want to do, take to much say. More than that, I believe it is not even my doubt but my fear that others have doubt in me. That sounds so crazy, but it is really what I fear. Not only does it not matter what others think but if I actually don't have any doubt in myself then why do I let such a silly manifestation occur. Sigh.
So now I have to change my thought process but there is a whole bunch of arguing going on in my head with whether it is a good idea to be a little selfish and believe that my opinions not only matter but need to be heard. It is a crazy feeling I am getting used to but I know I will be ok with it. I am just excited to have a new faith in what I want and trust in my own ability to get it!
Thanks, Heretic for giving me a place to think and be heard:)
-Maria Bosque